Dead week. The week before finals. Crunch time. This week for me used to mean so many different things. The thoughts bouncing in my head would be Shit I am fucked or Fuck I am going to fail. How can I tell my parents. What the fuck am I going to do?
I would delude myself with my timeless mantra It's all good, It's all good, It's all good. Nothing was alright. Nothing got done. Each day meant a deeper hole that I couldn't admit I was in. Each day was closer to a deadline that I couldn't face. I was not working, how could I? How could I face the surmounting summit of guilt and embarrassment. It was so easy to just turn away.
I find myself starting to worry now, but for no reason other than habit. This year I am actually doing well. I have done my work. I have completed most of what I set out to do. It is hard to imagine what it is like to not be in a hole until you are out of it, and god it is great. I am going to follow the example I have set for myself and continue to follow through with my plans.
The only thing left to do now is next semester. Finish the classes I enrolled in with good grades and get the fuck back into to Chico State. I can't wait to put this place behind me. Granted it has been a good experience and will continue to be for the remainder of my tenure here. But I just want out. I long for the shady greens and soft landscapes of Chico campus. I crave the old used smell of the hallways and classrooms. I miss the fact that my house is only a few blocks away. Chico is comfort.
That could be the reason why I am doing better at XXX. The comfort is not available for me here. I have yet to find it. I spend my time here almost on edge, counting the seconds until I can get back in my car and drive the fifteen miles back home.
The one comfort I do find reaching me here, in this remote, out-of-the-way location, is the fact that unlike previous years, I am actually doing well. It is a great thing not to worry about school. Now if only I didn't have to worry about money.
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